Another member of the Hall of Victims.
I wish to keep all names anonymous because of legal reasons and protection for all parties involved. I am not proud of what happened and I am not ashamed either.
I just wish to get my story out there because I feel a sin against my soul and spirit has occurred as well against my daughter who I will love dearly until the day I die. It is my hopes that by telling my story it will help in the emotional healing process of others that have gone through similar circumstances.
I met a girl in 1982 and I dated her for five years from the age of 20 to 25. During this time I was working at UPS and Consolidated Freightways on the night shifts so that I could pay my way through college.
Just before graduating with my B.S.B.A (Emphasis in MIS (Computers) and Management). My fiance at the time announced to me that I got her pregnant. This was fine with me because we had a wedding date set and had plans for our life together. Although at this time I did not think it was a good relationship I figured “what the hell, let’s give it a shot.” I felt that we could build a relationship because we had similar religious backgrounds and upbringing.
In September of 1988 I became a father to a little girl.
In May of 1990 I became father to my son.
In 1995, she had another girl. Who has Aspergers which is a high level autism.
The relationship with my wife was not good. I was not happy and I was aware that I wanted to get out but felt financially I could not. I thought the easiest thing to do was endure and hope that things would get better. Plus I loved the children and it was hard to think about leaving them. By the time my wife announced she was pregnant with the third child I new I wanted out of the relationship. We had been through counseling and she had said that she wanted to work on the relationship with me but she had lied. She had been seeing another guy for 2+ years and got pregnant with his kid and told me that it was mine. I was completely unaware of her extramarital relationships.
However, I always found it hard to believe that the third kid was mine. When you are truly in denial it’s hard to face your issues. Sometimes I think it’s easier to just plod along. Trust me! There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow if you are brave enough to face your problems head on. I was very slow to face mine but I am glad that I finally did.
I participated heavily with the first two children in girl scouts, boy scouts, soccer, baseball, basketball, taking off work to go on field trips, family vacations…
I was up at the school frequently talking to teachers. I was very involved with the kids.
The youngest child born in 1995 I did not spend much time with because I was so busy with the other two children.
I think divorce time became reality in 1999. I actually started looking for my own place to live. I had been a computer contractor for over 12 years and I felt financially I could afford the move. I bought a condo in February of 2000 and was ready to sign all divorce paperwork in July of 2000. I decided to DNA test because I never felt comfortable with third child for many reasons.
This is the part of the story where I start to come out of DENIAL! No man wants to believe they got themselves into a position where they are victim of paternity fraud. I certainly never could fathom in a billion years that somebody would do this to a child and a father and I certainly never thought it would happen to me.
After discussing my decision with my wife to DNA test the third child I told her I had decided to verify all three children because I did not feel that the test were to expensive.
That is when she indicated to me that my oldest daughter who was 12 at the time may not be mine. That is where the shock begins for me. I suspected the third child was not mine but not either of the first two.
The day of the DNA testing I went and picked up the kids from school and swung by my other house to pick up the mother and the youngest child. I should not have been driving. I was very upset at the reality of my situation. I got over a bridge and promptly switched lanes into another vehicle in the fast lane and began to spin around in my little car with three children in the back and two adults in the front. When it was all over the car was totaled. I was not injured at all. The three children were not injured at all. My not soon enough x-wife claimed to be injured and was taken to emergency in an ambulance. She is now taking the insurance company to court and will probably end up with $50,000 from the car accident.
The accident put off DNA testing two weeks because the not soon enough to be x-wife claimed to be in too much pain. We finally get the tests done and wait for the results for two weeks. The longest most emotionally painful two weeks of my life. I felt like I had children taken away from me much like a death. During these two weeks I did not sleep and cried a lot. In my many hours of walking I had decided to submit whatever the results were to the Missouri court. I felt in the case of the youngest child that the father should be held accountable along with the mother. I did not feel that a judge should court order me to do anything for the children that I had already been doing anyway because I love them.
The results come back and they were:
Daughter 12 years old——- Not Mine (Shocking and painful for me to face at the time)
Son 10 years old————– Is Mine
Daughter 5 years old- ——- Not Mine
The judge tossed the divorce out of court last December of 2000 because he wanted the other fathers identified and DNA tested so they could be held financially responsible. In the case of the first child the paperwork will be submitted to the court as “UNKNOWN FATHER”. I know that is not true. The status on the third child is that the father was DNA tested 2 weeks ago and test results should come in this week (DNA test results will come back by April 14th, 2001). We are all fairly certain that the father is identified correctly but you never know? If the third father has been identified correctly than my divorce should be placed on the docket again and I should be finished by June 1st, 2001.
I gave up all custody, rights and visitation to the kids who are not mine. I have legal rights to my son 50/50. I am angry that I have no legal footing to stand on regarding the oldest girl.
She gets COBRA for 18 months starting from the time the divorce is final. That is about $266 a month X 18 months = $4788.
I agreed to split all assets 50/50 and start paying alimony and child support on just my son starting on Dec 1 of 2001. $1840 a month. $840 alimony for 30 months and $1000 child support. I have already made 6 months of alimony payments. Time goes by fast. Not to mention I carried her and the kids for all of year 2000. Not to mention she did good since 1988 which is when the lies begun.
I had a team of attorneys lined up to go to war. I probably could have gotten out of paying on a lot of things legally. However, it was not the kids fault the mother lied and I really did not want to be responsible for making them all homeless and pulling the kids out of school. Enough time had gone by in the relationship to where I was already physically separated and emotionally separated from my wife so it has been fairly easy for me to adjust. Plus I am involved with a wonderful women I love very much and I get to see the oldest girl just as much as my son.
The youngest girl I have stopped seeing around September of 2000. This was a tough decision. But I realize that the other father will participate with her. I believe the father to be around 45 years old and this would be his only daughter. I also felt that if my x-wife got involved with another man that he would step in and take over as the stepfather.
Another tough decision was this: Should I tell the oldest girl the results?
I decided to tell the truth to them as soon as I got the results back. I felt the truth is always the best. I felt that my love for her would conquer and vice versa. You know what? I was right on the money. It was emotional at the time but we have both moved on and I enjoy my time with the first two kids and make their time with me when I have them the best that it can possibly be. I am very proud of them both. The oldest girl is a straight A student and my son gets all B’s in school and we are doing great.
As time goes on I believe everything will work out just fine. By reading my story I hope you begin the emotional healing process. It is very painful to love children and find out that you are not the biological father. It’s painful for the child also. I consider paternity fraud a crime against the father and childs soul and spirit.
I would be glad to talk to anybody who has discovered that they are a victim of paternity fraud.
Another man wounded (emotionally) and financially the love of money.